Wedding Crashers
by dethkorekitty
Summary: Joey Wheeler and Seto Kaiba are divorce mediators who spend their weekends crashing weddings. For the irrepressible duo, there are few better ways to drink for free and bed vulnerable women. Rated M for language and mature content. Yu-Gi-Oh AU.
Author's Note: Probably the least creative thing I've ever done...I was bored yesterday and thought of this on a whim. I've basically taken the dialogue and scenes from my favorite movie, Wedding Crashers, and have slapped it onto Yu-Gi-Oh characters. I own neither franchise. This is really like a joke more than anything, for my own personal amusement.

* * *

 _Wedding Crashers_

Introduction

* * *

"Do not talk about me as a mother."

"Are they at home?"

"I'm so sick to death of you talking about me as a mother."

"They at your sister's? Where…They're probably at a firehouse somewhere. She'd just drop 'em off with a fireman, you know?"

"Do not talk about that! I am sick of you accusing me of not being a good mother!"

Seto Kaiba and Joey Wheeler were sitting at the large desk of their mediation office, both resisting the urge to pull their hair out after enduring yet another day of seemingly endless bickering and squabbling between a couple whose marriage was now broken beyond repair.

The two divorce mediators were already three hours into their meeting with their clients Yugi and Téa Mutou, who were each accompanied by their own attorneys on either end of the desk.

"Are they at home? Are they at home?"

"Seven years I've been a good mother!"

"A perfect mother? I can't have custody."

"Just remember when we went out. Just remember how you- Don't you talk about me being a mother. I hate you!"

Apprehensive glances were exchanged across the room.

"Hey, I got an idea. Why don't you just kiss my left nut?"

Yugi's attorney shook his head. "I told you this was a bad idea…"

"You know what, Mahad?" Seto Kaiba said with a raised brow, turning to the attorney beside Mr. Mutou. "A bad idea would be to let your client walk outta here today and drag this thing out for another year, wasting more time and wasting more money." He paused and looked over at his blonde partner. "The only good idea is to let me and Joseph do our job and mediate this thing right here."

"You wanna hear the crazy thing?"

Seto did an internal roll of his eyes, noting his partner's characteristic role of being the "positive" one. It was so ironic, with that obnoxious Brooklyn accent of his.

"I know it doesn't feel like it, but we're makin' progress."

"Mm-hmm."

"We settled the deal with the cars. Let's see, that takes us to frequent flyer miles. We're flyin'!"

The soon-to-be ex-spouses eyed each other.

"Those are mine."

The fiery brunette perked up in her seat. " _I_ want them."

"You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna split 'em right down the middle," Joey said as he began scribbling across the stack of papers before him. "How'd that be, Mr. Mutou?"

"It would be n-not good at all! I earned those miles!"

Téa narrowed her eyes. "Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver to meet your whore."

Joey lifted a brow. "Oh, Lord…"

"Well, she's not afraid to express herself sexually if that's what you mean."

"She's a stripper, for God's sake!"

"She is not!"

"Her name is Chastity! She is white trash! Same as you…Hillbilly!"

The brunette began digging through her purse and pulled out a bottle of prescription drugs.

"That's it…Go comatose for me, baby."

"You shut your mouth when you're talkin' to me!" she snapped.

"Hold it," Joey interjected. "This is gettin' confusin'…

 _Here he goes_ , Seto thought.

"You didn't always hate each other. There had to be some nice moments, during the courtship, maybe? Or the wedding?"

"The wedding had to be fun!" Seto added. "You have your families together…"

"You have your decorations…Families comin' together…That's a nice moment. What'd ya have to eat?"

Téa's eyes fell to the desk. "Crab cakes."

Seto sat forward in his his leather office chair. "Are you kidding me? Crab ca- How could you not have a good time eating crab cakes? I love 'em. Crab cakes, I love crab cakes. They're phenomenal."

"Did you have a band? Good or bad?"

Yugi nodded meekly. "Yeah…"

"Who gives a shit? It's a great band, it's a bad band, it's like pizza, baby. It's good no matter what!" Seto exlaimed, throwing his hands up in the air.

"That's true. You got them…"

"There's music in the air!"

"...playing "Shout" and you hate it."

"Yeah! Oh-oh-oh-oh-heyyyyy!"

"Oh-oh-oh-oh, heyyyyy…"

"Shout now, jump up and shout now! It's a good time, do you know what I mean?"

"Yeah…"

Seto looked at the hapless couple, who had now gone quiet. "Rubbin' up against each other, just a couple of kids who like to fuck, trying to make it honest. I get it. Guys, the real enemy here…Is the institution of marriage. It's not realistic, it's crazy!" He looked them both in the eye. "Hey, don't do this for the other person. It's about saying yes to yourself and saying yes to your future."

"Say yes," Joey added.

"And have some opportunities for yourself. I'm sure you'd love to be free, maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance…Grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe…And how about you?" He turned to Mr. Mutou. "Don't you want to get inside Chastity without having to wonder if everyone's gonna find out?"

The blonde beside him grinned. "God, wouldn't that be sweet?"

"Wouldn't that be nice?" Back to Téa. "And have some Latin guy sweating all over you, talking to you in languages you don't understand, needing you, wanting you, taking you?"

An abrupt silence hung in the air.

"All we're tryin' to say is…Put your swords away for a second," the optimistic Joey began. "Let's finish this and let's move on."

"Get out there and get some strange ass."

Yugi's eyes flitted to Téa's hand and then to the pitcher of water in the middle of the table. "Could you give her a glass of water so she can take that?"

Joey reached out and poured her a glass, then shot a toothy grin at this partner.

"Hey, Joey, that's weird. That glass looks half full to me," Seto purposely said with a smirk.

"Wow, now that you mention it, it is half full."

Téa sighed. He can have the miles."

"Nah, sweetie, you take the miles…"

"Great. Great!" Joey beamed, turning his attention to the stack before him. "Let's sign the paperwork and we are done!"

"This is just semantics. If you guys want to throw a couple miles at us, we'll take a couple. The big this is, is that we're all movin' on."

Yugi eyed them both. "Could you two just not talk anymore?"


End file.
